A friend of mine once told me I had to “equilibrate my cyclones”. This has always stayed with me as a reminder to stay grounded and never before has this been more important for me.
As you may have gathered from recent posts, I have been staying at the hospice so they can help me get on top of my pain. Also to give me the rest and sleep I haven’t had much of for months to be quite honest with you.
I have spent the last 10 months trying to be strong for the people around me. My ‘slight’ messiah complex means that I habitually take on the problems of the people around me and often the wider world – you could say I’m a bit of a sponge.
I want to just take it all away and transmute it so you don’t have to suffer basically. This doesn’t serve anyone and it doesn’t do me any favours either.
If I dont protect myself, put boundaries in place and learn to look after myself first, essentially I don’t really have anything of any value to give and I could be denying you the opportunity for you to work through something difficult that could help you grow.
The Hospice have been life savers… Literally… and I now am ready to go home and put what this process is teaching me into practice.
It’s been incredibly intense and I have surprised myself by what is possible for a person put up with and endure.
However, as this is no longer necessary. I promise to be honest with you and keep things simple. The rest of my life is now for me to be my most authentic self and I’m regaining my personal power a little more every day.
I just have to remember to ground myself and practice protection and peace and connection everyday in order to be my most authentic and effective self.
I finally surrendered and let go of the “if I just think positively I can beat this” nonsense. Instead I now acknowledge that I can’t do this all on my own and I have found strength in surrender and acceptance which is why you’re getting some pretty mental shit coming from me at the moment.
Please don’t worry, I’m not going to go anytime soon.
This year I have gone from having days, to having weeks, to months and now potentially years. This King of cats has more lives left!
So come with me on a journey through time and space and allow me to humbly share my truth as it is unfolding…
I feel I must apologise to my wonderful beloved Justine for oversharing but I’m in the moment and I have to get it out as It’s coming or I might lose it – especially with Chemo brain and the wonderful painkillers they got me on!
Let me put it in as simple terms as possible for you. Hopefully this will help you come to terms with where I’m at and basically realise that there is no elephant in the room.
You dont have to know what to say. You don’t have to do or say anything, but just be there if you want to
Ok, So here goes – I’m thinking I might be ready to blog about some of this crazy business as with what I’m about to share with you comes great power.
Here’s the real shit for you Baby and it’s the weekend so there’s no risk of an ugly cry in an awkward place.
I’m posting this for me. NOT for attention but so I can return to it when I need to, especially as I can no longer rely on my memory. If it helps you too, even just a little then the endeavour will have been worth while……
“Feel all the feelings, without judgement,
and love yourself unconditionally.
There is only ever a choice between acting from a place of Fear or of Love.
Ask yourself “What would Love do?” in any situation – including in relation to dealing with yourself and you may soon discover that this is easier said then done.
In a chaotic and unfair world that we’re constantly told is going to Hell in a hand basket, all we can really do is develop a state of grace, to soften the impact in times of difficulty.
Accept and Love yourself Completely and Unconditionally
(Easier said than done especially when keeping things simple! or enacting what you think love would do)
Let your loved ones know where you’re at and lovingly put boundaries in place and stick to them. Stop trying fix everyone and stop crucifying yourself over meaningless shit.
All you need for your brothers and sisters, but most importantly for yourself is this…
Big Love and ‘Nuff Respect (but it has to come from your inner area)
Love is your birthright, Love is your Power and Strength.
Align yourself with it and you can learn to forgive your self and ultimately set your self free.
It’s also infinite and limitless, so you never have to run out once you have found your connection to it.
Decide and stay true to that decision.
None of us are perfect and we’re all doing the best we can with what we know.
Go forth you monkey with shoes and do what comes most naturally to you.
This is my atempt to leave some tools before I go, which as I say again, isn’t gonna be any time soon. 1